Acceptance as a Body Process

The advice is everywhere now: Acceptance is a key part of growth, healing, and change. Being able to accept ourselves as we are, others as they are, situations we can’t control, and experiences we can’t undo, is a big part of finding contentment. But how do you do that? Intellectually, it’s not too hard. We know it’s helpful to accept. We know there are things we can’t change. And yet at times we still find ourselves in some kind of resistance, be that angry, sad, confused, or other feelings. Wanting to learn to accept something is a big reason people seek therapy too. I meet a lot of people who tell me that they need help learning to accept something – themselves, others, a situation they can’t change – but no matter how hard they try, they can’t do it.

 Somatic Energy Therapy contends that there’s much more to acceptance than simply knowing it’s helpful. Like a lot of challenging experiences, acceptance is as much, if not more, a body-process than an intellectual endeavor. But before we even get to that, I’ve found that the first thing we must accept, when wanting to accept something, is that acceptance isn’t easy. It’s certainly not impossible, but it first demands we understand that this path can take time and patience.  While there are a lot of books and videos out there selling their own process for acceptance, I’ve found they are sometimes unclear about just how tough this can be. So, it’s good to know that to embark on this journey is no small task.

 Next, to be able to truly accept, I’ve found we also have to know what we can’t accept. That’s right, there are certain situations that, try as we might, we likely won’t be able to accept. These situations have to do with when we’re experiencing some kind of harm. If we’re in an abusive relationship, an active addiction, or any situation where we’re currently being harmed, I’ve found those are tough to just accept. People might try to avoid it by minimizing it or pushing away their feelings about it, and that can give the appearance of acceptance temporarily, but it’s not actually acceptance because the problem usually returns in some way.

 That’s because situations where we’re being harmed often call us to change or grow in order to find our way out of them. They require us to change our beliefs, relationships, situations, or something else so we can stop participating in what’s harming us. Of course, change and growth are challenging too. They can cause us a lot of discomfort and so people sometimes think that if they could only accept their circumstances rather than have to change them or change themselves, then that might be easier. But I’ve found it doesn’t work, at least not long term.

 Now that we’ve addressed what we can’t accept, let’s get to how we might accept something. And to be clear, there’s no one way. What I’m offering here is what I’ve found to be helpful, but it doesn’t mean it will be helpful for you. Instead, it’s something to consider or even try, but always looking for what feels right and true for you.

 For Somatic Energy Therapy, acceptance is a body-process. It starts with learning to be exactly where you’re at, with whatever you want to accept.  This might mean being angry, if you’re angry, or sad if you’re sad. Accepting something starts with being okay with your specific kind of non-acceptance or resistance.  Basically, stop trying to feel a certain way towards whatever you want to accept that isn’t honestly where you’re at and allow yourself to fully feel your feelings about it.

Emotions in the Body

Deeper than this, however, is feeling those emotions in your body. This means focusing your attention on finding the literal sensations of your emotions inside of you and hanging out there a bit, while you breathe. Now finding and feelings emotions in your body is probably an article in and of itself, and it can take guidance and practice to be able to do this well, but you can start out just bringing your curiosity into your torso – inside your neck, throat, chest, abdomen, stomach, pelvis area – looking for sensations that show up related to your emotional state.

 In this process you may also notice the literal place within you where your emotions feel stuck, making you feel stuck too. Can you go there and be there and allow your body to feel how it feels while you breathe? Not all day, mind you. But for a few moments? Maybe even 2-3 minutes? Could you visit this place each day, each time opening yourself to feeling honestly how you feel about whatever you’d like to accept?

 With this practice we invite and allow our body’s honesty as we work towards acceptance yet without trying to get there, per se. Acceptance is our intention, but we have to trust and allow our body to resonate with our intention in its own timing and readiness. We have to understand that, to get to acceptance, our body must feel the layers of emotion that precede acceptance.

 How long does this take? It’s hard to say. I’ve seen it take a few minutes to a few decades. So, again, lots of patience and trust. Patience with allowing ourselves to feel honestly and trust in both our body’s capacity to heal as well and the wisdom for how to heal. When we trust in this way, we essentially trust that by being with our emotions in a grounded and present way, that process is actually going somewhere; that by getting out of our body’s way and no longer trying to direct, control, or facilitate something, our body knows how to heal.

 What’s tough is that lines like these sound nice but it’s hard to know what they really mean. And they make this kind of work sound peaceful or tranquil, where I’ve found it’s oftentimes anything but. In my groups and with my clients I’ve likened healing, instead, to the process of vomiting…and I really don’t like vomiting. It’s not my favorite metaphor, but I think it’s accurate. When I’m sick and I think I might vomit and tend to do a lot of internal negotiation with myself to see if I can avoid that outcome. Sometimes I can, but usually I eventually resign to the fact that it has to happen and, as unpleasant as the process is, I usually feel better in the end. So, I give in.

 Allowing our body to feel how it feels can sometimes be like this. Because, when it comes to the deeper stuff, we’re not talking about light anger or a little bit of sadness or mild fear or whatever the feeling may be. We’re talking about seething rage, utter terror, crushing heartbreak…you understand. These are the feelings we’re trying to avoid by jumping to acceptance. Working with our body’s process means helping our body access these intense emotions and feel them honestly, but in doses we can still handle. Like lots of little vomiting episodes, perhaps. The metaphor isn’t great, I know.  

 The problem I’ve found is that unfortunately you can’t bypass the process. It’s not like if you just decide to make a day of it and allow yourself hours and hours of unfettered feeling you get to acceptance anytime sooner. Because your body doesn’t work that way. Your body is slower. It takes it’s time, not unlike other bodily processes like growth or digestion; it takes time for your feelings to move through you no matter how hard you try. In fact, tryingdoesn’t help. It only it makes it worse because that’s you, again, interfering by adding pressure to your body’s process so you can get to acceptance faster. There’s no fast track, I’m afraid. No accelerated anything when it comes to the body.

Self-Acceptance

Lastly, let’s talk about the hardest thing to accept – ourselves. First of all, what does this even mean? For many, this means no longer judging ourselves. No longer criticizing ourselves for past or current failures. Seeing the goodness of who we are even though we’ve done things we regret. Forgiving ourselves for past mistakes or transgressions. In other words, accepting ourselves can mean many different things. That’s why perhaps a more useful question is: What does accepting yourself mean for you? This can help you begin to work towards it. It may be about learning to work with your own judgment or critical voice that shows up inside. It may touch beliefs you carry about failure, or expectations you have of yourself or have taken on from others. It may be about realizing your just human and in the words of one of my teachers, Renee Brown (not Brene), “Everyone makes big mistakes.” This list isn’t exhaustive. In fact, it’s just the tip of the ice berg.

 As you can see, accepting our self tends to be about the relationship between our past and present. It’s about the conclusions and interpretations we made about our self in the past and how those continue to impact our present experience. And we can’t keep our old conclusions and expect to accept our self today. So, present time self-acceptance comes with healing past perceptions and growing into new ones. For Somatic Energy Therapy, this takes feeling emotions in a grounded and stable way. When we learn to set aside our critical voice and allow ourselves to be imperfect, we feel feelings. When we connect with old beliefs, we find the emotions that make them feel true. When we look at our old rules that keep us feeling not-good-enough and work to break them, we feel the emotions from breaking ourselves by trying to live by them. When we seek feeling and believing in our own goodness, our heart opens to ourselves, and we feel the grief of living in shame for so long. In short, just like all acceptance, seeking self-acceptance is also about feeling honestly.

 As with all healing, however, you may not be able to do some of this alone. This has to do with how human beings are wired for safety primarily through our relationships. It’s why Somatic Energy Therapy understand that our attachment system is the dominant system in the body. When we seek acceptance and work to feel what emotions are in the way of our acceptance, we may run into emotions that are just too much to feel alone. This is when we need a trusted other person with us to help support our own deeper work. In the presence of someone we trust and feel safe with we can often go deeper into our self and closer to pain we’ve been avoiding. I’ve found this person doesn’t necessarily need to be a therapist, but they do need to be someone who understands healing so that they, themselves, can remain stable, grounded, and supportive while we move closer to emotional intensity.

 To begin working towards self-acceptance, you might ask yourself what’s holding you back. What obstacles do you run into when you move towards accepting yourself? What emotions are connected to those obstacles? And can you bring your awareness to the sensations of them and breathe with them without trying to do anything with them like fix or change them? Just being with them and seeing what happens.

 As always, first and foremost, listen to what feels true for you and go with that. And only take my words if they feel right to you.

 Thanks for reading,

Jake

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